I had a release today and I don’t care.
I don’t want to shout it from the rooftops. I don’t want to do all the things to make sure everyone knows it’s out there. I don’t even want to send my newsletter, which is probably my favorite thing to do as an author.
The normal giddy emotions I feel during release day aren’t there. The excitement of having my work out in the world is missing. The instant high of knowing someone is going to read my book for the first time and maybe find a new book boyfriend is non-existent and it breaks my heart.
I have a few reasons why I’m feeling this way, but the biggest one is I’m stuck. I feel that I write decent books. I’m not the best author out there and I know it, but I think I’m doing alright enough for some of you to keep coming back. But I had an epiphany when I woke up this morning at 2 am and I want to share it with you.
Writing is the easy part. The rest is hard.
The more I write and try desperately to make a living doing something I love, the more I hate it. The more empty I feel when I put my blood, sweat, and tears into a book. This could be for a number of reasons but I think the biggest one is I’m not writing MY STORY. I’m writing the one I think everyone wants me to write and might be my meal ticket to finally making enough to support myself.
Now I’m not saying authors don’t write stories they love. I know a few authors that write and release purely because they have stories to tell and could care less if they make a dime. I know a billion authors that always put their blood sweat and tears into the stories they sharing with each of you. But I can say for a fact there are more authors than you’d think that aren’t writing certain stories because of the gut wrenching fear of never being able to publish again.
Money makes the world go round. Authors disappear and stop writing for a plethora of reasons but I suspect the biggest one is money. Maybe the words dried up or they got burned out but if you don’t have the money to edit, cover, etc your next book then you’re up shits creek without a paddle. So instead of writing a story that speaks to your soul, an author chooses to write the one that speaks to the masses.
Oh man that’s gonna piss a lot of people off but it’s the truth. And that’s where I’m at right now. Worrying about the money instead of the story.
Writing is the easy part. The rest is hard.
I’m used to putting my whole heart into writing a story. Making sure I was able to wring out each emotion my characters were feeling on to the page , but then somewhere down the line I decided that wasn’t good enough. I don’t know when or why it happened but started believing with my whole heart all the bullshit I was hearing going on around me and internalizing it. Imprinting it onto my soul.
We all see and know what bullshit I’m referring to. The rules one person arbitrarily decided should be the norm on a random Tuesday and the masses that make it so.
Returns are/aren’t stealing.
You can/can’t use the word cock.
Piracy is/isn’t okay.
Kindle Unlimited is the best/worst thing to happen to publishing.
Indie authors are better/worse than traditional authors.
Indie authors are/aren’t worth reading.
I won’t/will read a new to me author because xyz reason.
These are only a small few things I’ve heard over the last week. I have an opinion on some and don’t care about others but at the end of the day this is nothing more than a never ending list of dos and don’ts that changes by the minute making it harder and harder for some authors to even want to keep writing.
Writing is the easy part. The rest is hard.
Then on top of all that no one wants to talk or hear about the soul gripping imposter syndrome that makes it harder and harder for most authors to keep pushing forward. The voice in the back of our heads whispering that we aren’t. That people are going to hate this story because if whatever reason. That people are going to attack us on a personal level. Talking about our children, our physical appearance, or our moral character because the stories in our head we choose to put out into the world. The feeling that everyone is going to hate it so you shouldn’t release it anyway. The torment of feeling like an asshole when you see another author blow up and you’re both happy and jealous of them at the same time.
Writing is the easy part. The rest is hard.
I’m not writing this to ask for sympathy. I have no desire for people to read this and leave comments or send me messages about how awesome I am. I don’t need that. What I want is for you to understand where some of us are coming from. For that one author busting her ass out there to know you’re not the only one and to remind you of this simple fact.
Writing is the easy part. The rest is hard.
So what does all of this mean? For each of you, more than likely nothing. I don’t know if many of you will see this. Most people will keep scrolling and talk shit about me or even go as far as to make jokes at my expense. I know this. Am I okay with it? No, but I know that’s more than likely what’s going to happen. But for that one person who reads this to the end and chose to not be an asshole today. Thank you.
What does this mean for me? I don’t know that either. What I do know is I want to fall in love with writing again. I want to be able to write the words I want while weaving the stories my heart is bursting to tell. I want to love what I do again. Most importantly, I want that amazing feeling I used to get when releasing a new book baby into the world.
Now I just need to figure out how to go about it.
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