I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to say this for DAYS, but I couldn’t come up with the right words. Hell I still can’t. How do you sum up the last four years of your life to the small group of people that have held you together? The right way to say thank you, when those two words don’t seem to be enough? How you’ve been there for me always, a shining light as the darkness closes in around me. We’ve shared my highs, lows, and everything in between. Each and every one of you has been a shining light in my life when I felt like there was no hope and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.
I try to be as transparent as possible with all of you, but I’ve kept a few things quiet and to myself, hoping that I’d be able to work through them without tainting the safe space I’ve created for myself in this group, but I don’t know if that is possible anymore. This past summer, I was destroyed. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. The people who I believed cared for me the most turned out to be nothing more than fakes. And if I’m being honest, the blows have been coming nonstop ever since.
I’ve been struggling to continue to put one foot in front of the other, to get out of bed and be present for my kids and the few who are still there for me. And this is all new to me. I’ve always been the person who people come to for help. I’m the fixer, the problem solver, the strong one who has their shit together. But I can’t fake it anymore. Each day is harder and harder to put on that fake smile. It seems everyone else has to help keep me moving forward. With all of that, you can imagine how hard it is to write happily ever afters, when my world is falling apart around me. So, as hard as this decision has been, I’ve decided to take a step back for a little while.
All of my current pre-orders are being canceled (with the exception of the Hollywood Daddies at the end of next month). I do have some collaboration projects in the works for the rest of the year, so never fear, I’m not throwing in the towel. I’ll still be around! I’m not going anywhere, per se, but I need to focus on figuring out what direction my life is going to go from here before jumping back into writing.
I apologize from the bottom of my heart to each of you that was looking forward to a specific new release, but right now my heart isn’t in it and I refuse to release something I’m not proud of.
AJ (and all her million different pen names )